Empathy is a vigorous neurological activity. When a caring person is listening to a shocking, sad or gruesome story it may look like they are calmly sitting and listening: but the activity going on inside the listener's brain and body looks anything but calm.
How do you experience the strain of listening? Please share your stories with us.
Ellie and Vicki
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13 comments:
I can really relate to the title of this blog. With needy parents, children in crisis and neighbors calling for help, it is exhausting to try to help everyone. When my cell phone rings I feel an immediate dread. It will be someone close to me that is in trouble, having a crisis, or needing advice. It is draining to worry about them and to know that I have no control over the situation. I can offer support but that seems so inadequate. I realize that I am getting the call because I have empathy and also because I might have an idea for intervention. Never the less, I feel drained and unable to refuse to hear anymore cries for help. It would be good to know that I am not alone and to find out ways to recharge my own batteries so that I can jump start others.
I agree with Barbara. Many times I feel very relieved to find no messages on my business phone. Then I think, "This is no way to work: hoping no one calls". We must unite as helpers to debrief from the strain of Controlled Empathy. I actually felt myself decompress when I read Barbara's blog!
Right now I am on vacation and feel very removed from the stress of helping others. But I can still recall the cumulative upset I felt right before I left. The last story that helped me reach my tipping point was about a client who as a child was repeatedly beaten by her parents. Today the client is struggling with high levels of depression and addiction. The gruesome details of her story precipitated such intrusive imagery for me; I an still having trouble shaking it!
Thank you Barbara for mustering up the courage to speak your truth!You are an inspiration for all of us who give so lovingly and pay the price.
Dr. Ellie
I have the mixed blessing of being an empath - I can't go to the grocery store without having an interaction with a spirit in need.
Having been an activist and community organizer for 17 of my 36years, I have heard and felt every kind of violence. I am tired and need a break - but don't know how to change my essence.
Monica: Thank you for your authentic remarks. You don't need to change your essence...you need find the delicate balance between giving and receiving. Those of us in the field of human service sometimes feeling out of our comfort zone when receiving or asking for help ans support. Try to remember that the twin of helping is being helped and find a way to incorporate both into your life. also, thank you for all the precious work you do.
Dr. Ellie
I just returned from vacation and looked at the schedule I had created and then stopped myself. I must listen to sound advice for a change. Instead of seeing 10 clients a day with no break for lunch, I changed my schedule to 6 clients a day; I am coming in later, and leaving earlier. I am giving my self permission to stop for a minute in between clients and walk outside, take in a breath of fresh air, have a light lunch and take a much needed bathroom break. I have been doing this for 2 weeks now, and the pattern is beginning to set in. It is one that I really like, and I am feeling better about my work. Clients are commenting that I look more rested and I truly feel it. I don't want to get to that point where I hate going into my office. I chose this work because I love doing it, and I'd like to keep it that way.
I have been in the child protection 'industry' for over 20 years. I know I have VT, but I have never heard of anyone experiencing the symptoms that I have. I have endured 4 years of enuresis which has recently abated. I am 5 years down the path from the original diagnosis, and still battling symptoms of depression and disinterest in life. Is this normal?
Have you heard of anyone else bed wetting, (sometimes twice in one night). My overall health has improved and I do feel better, but don't think I can ever work again.
Dear Anon:
Bladder problems can certainly be a symptom of Second-Hand Shock. Generally, bladder weakness occurs as a result of repeatedly holding urine until one is finished with a session before allowing oneself a trip to the bathroom for relief. This recurring, against-nature behavior can lead to a weakening of the bladder and therefore can precipitate bladder infections, frequent urges, and incontinence. We are so glad you are feeling better now! Please continue to take care of yourself. Thank you for your courageous blog.
Vicki and Ellie
Thank you for answering my previous question about enuresis. My own take on it is that I can't 'hold' on to any more trauma. It started a year after I was diagnosed, and continued until a few months ago.
I notice also that is associated with particular dreams where I am desperate to use the bathroom, and cannot find any clean toilets to use.
I can only speculate that I have not fully processed the sh..t I have been exposed to.
I feel very 'heavy' most days, and continue to experience lethargy and anxiety. I wish it was all gone, and I could have my life back again.
I had to leave my job as a physical therapist for handicapped children for 10 years, on doctors orders, because of severe job burnout. I sat in my chair at my desk at the end, stared out in to space not being able to move, take in anything, give out anything, just flat empty; for periods of like, 20 minutes. People would walk past, look at me, keep going, come back look at me, not moved a milimeter. They knew I was gone. I fear that building, I don't talk to my wonderful co-workers, (they all went part time, and I could not so instead I got used up, and they are still there,) because it is too close to the situation, and scary to think about the anxiety of talking to them will bring it all back too strong. This 'burnout' has been and is, ... totally debilitating. I have ben diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety, major intractable depression. I am unable to work now. It is like a brain injury, a 10 year, slo-mo car accident or something. I need Help, I've been in the hospital, been in a day treatment program for 10 days, it was wonderful, but now I am slipping back. Lost my drivers license because my doctor is worried about the easy startle, and jerks, I've had an EEG, (clear result) and am now scheduled for a nerve conduction test, which are supposed to be painful. My family is paying all bills, untill April. They care, but can't talk to them they do not understand and go all goofy on me, then I can;t eat for two days. No cash, I have to ask for money to give people that give me rides, for their gas. Liberties have been taken away, job gone, income gone, drivers license gone, dignity of running my own monetary affairs gone, house for sale, some days can't recognize letters or words, it has been hell. All because of a poorly run stressfull workplace, working with children and their parents who did not get the child they planned on, their guilt issues, lots of psych issues in our job, empathy is required to understand child's needs and write goals for them. No respite built into job. =BAD!! Wow, HelP!! I need help. Thanks!!
Jennifer that sounds terrible, and not unlike my own experience (see anonymous above). Workplaces are woeful in recognising and assisting those afflicted with this horrible VT. It sounds like you are doing a lot of dissociating ie staring into space etc. My own experience with that was driving and arriving at places with no knowledge of how I got there. Too scary.
I too have lost my career, and live on a pittance provided by the gvt which goes nowhere near covering my bills. I have begged and borrowed and have been at the point of losing my house. I don't know what my future holds, I continue to receive fortnightly therapy, as well as engaging in art therapy which helped me tremendously. I am fortunate enough to have friend who is also a social worker going through the same thing. I even tried through my professional assoc to start an anonymous online group for fellow sufferers but they were useless. Most of the professionals appear to avoid talking about this stuff in fear that they might catch it!!
Hang in there Jennifer, it is a long long road, but what choice do we have?
I see that people who are struggling are beginning to come forward and share their suffering. Thank you for your courage! We are sorry that VT has taken its toll on you and we hope you take the time to be gentle and patient with your recovery process; it is an ongoing process that requires a shift in lifestyle. All the best to you!
Dr. Ellie and Vicki
I'm so glad I stumbled onto this site while trying to find other people who were feeling like me! I work with young offenders in the UK and have spent the last four years training to be a therapeutic counsellor, working with 16-25 year old clients. While my training has helped me no end with managing my own empathic response (I used to be a sort of empathic sponge and I could never say no when someone needed me) I find now that I have slipped back into a depression, largely as a result of financial problems, and I find it much much harder to manage listening to the distressing life stories of the young people I work with. This is causing me much anxiety now...as I could not do my job without being able to listen empathically and build safe working relationships with the young people I work with. I have learnt how to safely and ethically use my own experience of trauma in my younger life to show a genuine empathic response in my work. But, especially at times when we are stressed in our personal lives, it's sometimes hard to separate out what is my stuff from what is the other person's. We don't get clinical supervision as part of our support and I feel this is unethical and ultimately a false economy when as other commentators have said, we often end up burning out completely when we simply cannot listen any more!
I am a young mother of 3, wife, full-time social work student and work part-time as a bartender on the weekends. I just began my internship at a treatment center for adolescent sex offender boys. I also volunteer for a crisis line 2 times per week which consists of a lot of suicide calls and dealing with a lot of mental health. During my first week interning at the treatment center, my 15 year old daughters friend was in a car accident where her little brother died a very gruesome death and was witnessed by them. Furthermore, during my first week at the treatment center I read, observed, and internalized information most don't allow their brains to visit or think about. I was beginning to feel "weird", I couldn't put my finger on an exact feeling, but maybe numb. Even in a "daze". I went to my adviser in my social work program and this is when she introduced me to the word second hand trauma. It lead me to this website, and I relate completely to the feeling that others have experienced. In some way it is comforting to understand why I am feeling this way etc, however, what can I do to stop feeling this way? I am an extremely empathetic person. Many people also come to me when they are dealing with stress, trauma etc. I just don't know how much of this I can handle.
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